Identity in Christ

I stared so hard at the teeny window on the plastic stick I held that my eyes were watering. My heart raced with desperate anticipation, as well as a deep-seated dread of what I sensed was coming. Sure enough, a “minus” sign appeared in the window instead of the coveted “plus” sign, and a small explosion went off in my heart. I slumped down on the bathroom floor in utter defeat, the negative pregnancy test slipping from my fingers and clattering away while I buried my face in my hands. I didn’t even bother telling my husband that I was taking these tests anymore so that he didn’t have to share in the disappointment when the negative result inevitably arrived. But that also meant that I had to bear the grief alone. And that is how I felt—so completely, utterly alone.

Then came a blur of doctors, lab tests, and appointments. The cold hopelessness of abnormal test results. The humiliation of offering up your marital private life to complete strangers for dissection. The pronouncement that my husband and I would likely never be able to conceive a child. On the weekends, I attended baby showers for my multitudes of friends who were on baby number two, three, and four, and on the weekdays I sat in a fertility clinic waiting room where no one looks you in the eye and the air is thick with grief, waiting for them to call me for yet another session of blood draws. My arms were full of bruises, and so was my soul.

Christian femininity sometimes feels like it is synonymous with motherhood. Almost all of my Christian friends were moms, while the young non-Christian ladies at my work eschewed marriage and children. At church, we were positively surrounded by babies, and despite the joy their presence brought, there was also a stabbingly painful reminder of our own empty arms. I felt like an outsider in women's groups, because I couldn’t participate in their lively debates about cloth diaper brands or naptime strategies. Many times I stood by, mute and inadequate, while their mommy banter carried on. Carefree comments often cut me to the quick--“You must be so happy to have so much free time since you don’t have kids,” or “When are you two going to grow up and have children?”

In truth, I was suffering so much because my identity was based on an idol. My inability to conceive made me feel like a sub-par, damaged women who clearly was not worthy to be used by God. My despair threatened to isolate me from meaningful friendships, and I started questioning whether God was really good to allow this to happen to me. It was far too easy to be swallowed up in grief and self-pity. Times of worship felt cold and empty. My joy in the Lord was dwindling, and my attempts to serve others seemed fruitless as my mind was preoccupied with my sorrow.

Eventually, I went out to coffee with a dear friend that I had not seen in a long time. She was, ironically, pregnant. She talked excitedly of her new baby, eagerly anticipating the blessing she would soon welcome into her life. I struggled to maintain my composure, determined to hear her out and not to break down to reveal the mess that I was inside. But finally, my awkward demeanor could not escape her questioning eyes, and I could hide it no longer. “We have been struggling with infertility. The doctors say we can never have a child.” I blurted out.

She listened to my story as I laid out our sad history. She reached out to hold my trembling hand, looked at me with eyes full of compassion, and said, “You know, you are still complete in Christ even if you never become a mother.”

Words cannot describe the freedom that coursed through my veins at that pronouncement. Tears flooded my eyes as I grasped her hand back tightly. For some reason, I had completely lost sight of that concept. In her words, I heard the voice of my savior Jesus—who loved me so much that he gave his life up on the cross for my sins, in whom I am redeemed, forgiven, and made holy as a daughter of the king. In HIM, in his sinlessness life and righteous work on the cross, I am indeed fully complete, lacking in nothing as he has made full provision for me. There is no condemnation for me now in Him.

This beautiful reminder was the beginning of a healing process for me, as I drew nearer to Jesus and realized that I had worth and value not because of my identity as a mother or a wife, but because Jesus’ identity through grace covered mine. His work is the one that has ultimate meaning and worth, and it is His work that I have the joy to be able to participate in as I walk out his purposes in my life. I now no longer have to worry about convincing others to accept me, because Jesus has accepted me. I do not have to feel damaged, because he has made me whole. I can worship with joy and intimacy because I know him. I can serve others because he has given me his heart to share this love and acceptance with others who are in places where it is difficult to see. In Christ, I am free indeed. 

We were able to witness a miracle, though. As my husband is fond of reminding me, God knows more than doctors do, and much to our shock and delight, a positive sign finally appeared in our test window. A tiny baby boy is now ours to steward, a living reminder of his power and grace that I am humbled by daily. But even if that gift had never come to us, I know that I would have been okay, because he had already given me the greatest gift—himself.

(photo credit: http://runforcoveronline.com/uncategorized/pregnancy-test/) 

Things I Am Learning

It is almost 2 AM and I am completely and utterly awake. Insomnia is something that is still relatively new for me--before I had Buggy, I literally never had trouble falling asleep but after several months of waking up multiple times during the night my poor system is shot and has no idea which way is up or down most of the time. After lying in bed staring up at the ceiling for over an hour I finally decided to throw in the towel and get out of bed, hoping that sleepy feelings would eventually take over if I tried to do something productive.

Part of the problem is that my mind is on overdrive. For some reason I can't seem to turn off the swirl of thoughts I have pounding against my skull. I keep thinking of different people, situations, and issues in my life, as well as pondering to-do lists and responsibilities. It occurred to me that some of the swirling might stop if I were to take a moment and list some of the things on my mind. Who knows? Perhaps by giving them a voice, they will settle down to rest and thus I will eventually be able to do the same.

Lately, I have been learning....

-That I am inherently more selfish then I would have ever thought or realized. It is very difficult to put others' needs before my own--especially when I am struggling with a bad cold, fatigue, or some other discomfort. It is easy to think, "I need to take care of myself, so these other things can wait," or even, "Poor me, why isn't anyone taking care of me?" Despite the fact that there are many people in my life that I love very dearly, my desire for comfort remains extremely strong, clawing for my attention.

-That motherhood is freaking intimidating. I feel such a heavy weight of responsibility and guilt to raise, feed, teach, discipline, and play with Buggy and the enormity of the task is such that at times I seriously doubt my capability to do it with any type of competency.

-That forgiveness is sometimes a process that is two steps forward, one step back, but that as long as the steps are taken with a heart that is begging Jesus for help that there is hope for a future free from resentment, even if you are having a hard time seeing it.

-That sometimes, even an imperfect effort is better then no effort at all, and sometimes you can surprise yourself if you are willing to take the risk of trying.

-That to live in fear is a terrible thing. I would rather that my life be guided by faith then apprehension, anxiety, worry, and all its various manifestations.

-That making and keeping friends takes hard work and perseverance.

-That sometimes, it is probably better for me to hold my tongue and pour out my thoughts and frustrations to God rather then venting them to Hubby, my mom, whichever poor friend happens to cross my path, random strangers, etc. It is easy to tell oneself at times that you are just being 'honest' but really the words can be poisonous.

-That time is a precious gift, and if not managed well it really just flies away and leaves you wondering what the heck happened.

-That it is easier to give snappy answers or avoid people who are hurting then it is to walk alongside them with patience, grace, and compassion.

-That no matter how relaxed and open I pride myself on being, deep down it makes me sick to think of anyone seeing the secret messy areas in my house, such as the mountains of clothes and piles of books that have taken over our master bedroom, or the cascade of objects that tumble out of my cupboard as soon as I open it because they have been stacked haphazardly on top of each other. Not to mention the projectiles of frozen beef that threaten to hit you in the face if you get the crazy idea of trying to open our freezer. I want things to look perfect, and I also want them to look like it was just an effortless accident.

-That without Jesus, I am truly nothing. A breath in the wind, a tiny blade of grass that is here today and gone tomorrow. And also, that without him there is no hope for change. But that in him there is life, forgiveness, strength, and help to bear my burdens.

Photo credit: http://internetcafedevotions.com/2011/03/a-priceless-gift/

God of all comfort

A verse that I have been meditating on lately is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, which reads:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." 


Recently, we had a challenge with Buggy's health that required him to undergo surgery. It wasn't for anything directly life-threatening, but it was a condition that would cause significant complications for him down the road if it was not dealt with quickly. At first, I felt like I was not worried at all about the surgery--as a former surgical nurse, I saw thousands of patients go off to sleep under the anesthesiologist's care, and what goes on inside an OR suite is no mystery at all. But then I had a few nightmares about Buggy's surgery and I realized that deep down somewhere I was deeply unsettled, belying the peaceful exterior I was presenting.

I worry a lot in general. Hubby, on the flip side, is definitely blessed with the spiritual gift of faith. He is so solid and unswerving in his absolute belief in God's power, in his provision, and his faithfulness. It almost seems superhuman sometimes. I love this trait about him, but I am also jealous of it and sometimes it even makes me angry, which just goes to show the depths of how selfish I can be. I literally have gotten angry at him that he is not freaking out alongside of me when something stressful or bad is happening. It makes me angry because then I feel even more alone.

Over the last few weeks, it has become clear to me that this pattern of worry is deeply rooted in my unbelief.   This seems like a pretty simple concept, but the realization was quite revolutionary for me. I have whined and despaired in the past because my attempts to stop worrying are always met with failure and it is so tempting to fall back on the excuse that "this is just who I am." But I realized recently that by trying to just fix the worrying, my focus was entirely in the wrong place. My focus instead should be on continually striving to run after Jesus, to spend more time at His feet in prayer and in His word. When you know someone intimately, fear disappears and my fear was the result of falling out of touch with my Heavenly Father.

God was very merciful to us during the experience of Buggy's surgery and he has come through with absolute flying colors. I felt very at peace when the crucial day came and that sense continued through the day as we waited at the hospital. I definitely experienced God's comfort that day.

This is a relatively happy story and so it seems so easy to apply the verse and the concepts of God's comfort to it. But I find that is not always the case. There is a lot of crappy stuff that happens in the world and God's children are definitely not exempt from the storms of life. There are so many instances that just shatter your world--finding out you have a terminal illness, the death of a child, the tragic or unexpected death of a loved one, the senselessness of a violent crime committed against you, finding out you will never be able to have children, or just waking up every single day and feeling absolutely alone in this world. Does this verse apply even to these situations? Although it does not make sense when these things happen to us, I have come to believe that there is no life event that is bigger then God's mercy and His love for us.

And no matter what else happens, that is a very comforting thought indeed.

It's hard to trust your body!

I have always tried to live a pretty healthy lifestyle. In high school, exercise was something that I did every day after school, and it was fun. I felt pretty comfortable with my weight and didn't restrict my eating habits in any way. When I went to college, my workout frequency dropped quite a bit but my weight continued to remain stable.

After meeting my husband and getting married, my husband started a great workout regimen and it inspired me to recommit myself to regular physical activity. Over the course of a year, I lost about 15 pounds through reducing my portion sizes and working out 3-4 times a week. I sustained that weight lost for about two years, continuing what I thought were very healthy habits. Family, friends, and coworkers often exclaimed over how skinny I was--a couple of coworkers even "checked in" on me, because despite the fact that it was only fifteen pounds, the change in my appearance was pretty significant and they wanted to make sure I was okay, that I wasn't doing anything drastic. I was able to wear much smaller clothes then I previously had and rejoiced in the new fashions I could wear that I had never been able to fit into before. To celebrate, I invested in a couple pairs of high-end jeans and pretty tops that I truly loved.

Then, I got pregnant with Buggy. I knew that with pregnancy came weight gain. I knew several friends who became pregnant, gained a lot of weight, and a couple of years later still had plenty of extra pounds hanging on their frame as a souvenir. That scared me. I wanted to be healthy during the pregnancy, but I also wanted to be thin afterwards! I still wanted to look pretty, be attractive to my husband and not morph into a 'frump mom.' I wanted to be able to go out with my friends that did not have children and look like 'the mom' compared to the rest of them. I wanted to fit back into the pile of beautiful clothes waiting patiently in our linen closet. I wanted to be able to play with Buggy without being winded at mild physical exertion. I checked out several books from the library on prenatal fitness and read scads of articles online about pregnancy and postpartum fitness. I was determined to conquer this challenge. So determined, in fact, that I made an appointment with a registered dietitian to discuss my diet after I delivered.

This appointment ended up being a major turning point in my life--it changed the way I viewed food, health, and exercise. She works with a lot of clients who are recovering from eating disorders, but I found her through some local "mom" websites, where people were recommending doulas, midwives, etc. Most of the experience I have with dietitians involve them examining a food diary that has been kept with meticulous detail (including not only what is eaten, but how much, at what time, the location, hunger level, and the emotional feeling you were having when you ate) and then them recommending a calorie goal you should aspire to and then suggesting foods and snacks that help you reach that goal. This dietitian ascribed to a totally different ideology, one that is explained in the excellent book Intuitive Eating. I can't do this approach justice in a short blog entry, but it basically flies in the face of our culture's views on dieting and nutrition. In short, it teaches that your body has the ability to use hunger and fullness cues to self-regulate your weight, and that practices such as food restriction through dieting cause us to lose our sensitivity to these cues. It also teaches about how dieting DOES NOT WORK and in fact is very harmful to our bodies. It includes any type of food restriction under the dieting umbrella, and outlines all the many ways we try to manipulate our bodies. It talks about redeeming our relationship with food, so it is not our enemy but also not our best friend--so that we can enjoy the pleasures that come from food without guilt and also without living in fear of our food. She spent most of my appointment asking me questions about my family, my attitudes around eating, and how I related to food. This was an incredibly revealing process.

As a result of talking to this dietitian, I realized that many of the habits I thought were so healthy were actually quite insidious. For instance, before pregnancy I wanted to get my portions under control, so for a time I weighed and measured my food to reacquaint myself with what a correct portion size really was. This is not a terrible idea, but what I ended up doing is that I would give myself and "acceptable" amount of food and after I finished it, even if I was still hungry, I wouldn't allow myself to eat more. I remember feeling hungry ALL THE TIME and I felt guilty for this, because I knew that the amount of food I had measured out really "should" have been enough. When I did allow myself to eat, I was so hungry that I gulped my food down crazy fast, and I always ate the entire portion that I did allow myself. While I proudly announced to my coworkers that I wasn't on a diet and gloried in the fact that I was not limiting carbs or eating low-fat or fat-free foods, I was indeed having a restrictive approach. If I ate a slice of cake at work or ate more food then I thought I should have, I felt totally guilty. I would even think, "I'll have to work out longer because I ate this food item." The fact that I felt guilt shows that I was indeed dieting, despite what I thought.

When I got pregnant, I knew that I couldn't deny myself food when I was hungry, because I was afraid of causing harm to the baby. So I ate when I was hungry, and was alarmed when I gained weight. The dietitian encouraged me to continue to follow my hunger signals, and explained that I needed to continue this approach when I was breastfeeding. She explained that healthy weight loss after pregnancy is slow and gradual, and encouraged me to be patient with myself. She reassured me that my body would let me know when it was time to start exercising vigorously again, and to give myself grace as I eased back into routines.

I ended up having a superbly healthy pregnancy and gained the exact amount of weight that is recommended, no more and no less. A lot of weight came off without me even trying after Buggy was born, and now I find myself about fourteen pounds above the weight I was at before becoming pregnant. I resolved to weigh myself only once a week and for the past several weeks, the scale has been stuck a the exact same number. On one hand, it is good that I am not gaining more weight, but on the other, I have to admit it is disheartening that I haven't continued to lose. The old temptations are definitely creeping in--to restrict, to not eat when I am hungry, to amp up my physical activity. But between extreme post-baby fatigue and the fact that I am just plain hungry most of the time (still breastfeeding!) I have been able to stay the course and not give in.

I do feel, though, that my body has finally sent me the long-awaited message. Buggy is sleeping better and so am I as a result, leaving me with more energy. I am getting tired of my larger jeans, which are wearing out and with Hubby and I's financial situation I do not look with joy at the prospect of spending precious money to buy things in this larger size. But as the dietitian taught me, the most important thing is not that I can get back into those cute jeans and fashionable clothes--instead, it is that I am healthy, which is so much more important then just a jean size.

So, despite the fact that the weather outside was crummy today, I decided that I was going to work out! While Buggy slept, I marched up and down the stairs in my house. After about three minutes of this I realized that there was no way I was going to survive a half hour of this. So I decided to alternate two minutes of stair climbing with two minutes of marching back and forth through the house. I got through my workout with plenty of heavy breathing and my heart was beating like crazy, but I did it! It was the first time I have really done anything more vigorous then walks around the neighborhood with buggy and it felt really good. Now I just have to stay the course--being faithful to my health by exercising, yet continuing to feed my hungry body and in the end, keep trusting my body that I will end up the right size for my health.

Photo credit: http://princessbeautylounge.blogspot.com/2010/05/workoutshealtier-you.html

Crazy things we do to save money

Since I outlined below the importance of having a budget, I thought I would share some of the things Hubby and I do to save money. I included the word "crazy" in the name of the post because once you start trying to live frugally, you will definitely be looked at like you are crazy by friends or family members for not following the status quo. It is okay not to follow the status quo, though, because to paraphrase Dave Ramsey, "If you try to keep up with the Joneses, you will soon realize that they are dead broke."

On to the list!

To save money on groceries:

1) Plan your meals. I was truly horrible at this when Hubby and I were first married. It is still a struggle for me but the payoffs are so worth it. You get to avoid that 4:00 "What the heck are we having for dinner" panic and a subsequent trip to a super-crowded grocery store with long lines. Try out recipes that aren't too complicated until you find a handful that you like, and then just rotate them. I tend to look to the internet for inspiration and often use Eating Well, Cooking Light, Real Simple, Budget Bytes, and All Recipes to search for ideas. Other good sites are Cozi (which has recipes, family organizing tips, and allows you to make grocery lists), Everyday with Rachael Ray (which has a daily menu suggestion), Raise Healthy Eaters (a blog by a dietitian who has both recipes and articles about feeding practices), and Weelicious (great kid and toddler food recipes, but also has plenty for adults to enjoy too!) There are SO MANY websites to help with this.

2) Eat your leftovers. If you get sick of them, you can package them and stick them in the freezer so that next time you don't feel like cooking, you have a tasty dish stashed away for backup.

3) Rethink breakfast foods. Boxed cereal is CRAZY expensive and is only getting more expensive as commodity costs (corn, wheat) are skyrocketing. Oatmeal, however, can be purchased in the bulk section and is incredibly cheap and also very healthy. If time is an issue, you can cook a large batch, store it in the fridge, and just warm up small portions in the morning. Leftover grains from last night's dinner such as brown rice and quinoa are actually delicious for breakfast with a little milk and brown sugar on top, warmed in the microwave. I make hardboiled eggs once a week and we eat one every day--very filling and inexpensive. I have seen some people on blogs who make breakfast sandwiches and waffles and freeze them, then warm them up in the morning. While this does require a bit of planning it saves money and is very healthful.

4) Embrace your local bulk section. It is unbelievable to me sometimes how much money you can save here, especially when you only need a small amount of something for a recipe. I buy all my spices here in small amounts to that way they stay fresh and I can use them up before they expire, and it is so much cheaper then buying a whole jar.

5) I am very selective with what I buy organic. I only purchase fruits and vegetables off of the "Dirty Dozen" organic and buy everything else conventional for the most part. I do purchase organic milk because I drink about three glasses a day and find that I break out from conventional milk, even when I get the stuff that is rBST free. I also forego organic versions of highly processed food such as pasta, crackers, and packaged snack foods as the act of processing (high heat, mechanical breakdown of nutrients) leave these items with a negligible nutritional benefit over their conventional counterparts.

6) Eat meat less often. As meat is often the most expensive part of a meal, eliminating or reducing it makes a huge impact to your overall grocery bill. I do think that when you eat it, though, it is worth investing in good meat. I tend to avoid "natural" and "free range" products as they are often misleading. To me, organic is not necessarily the highest good--I would rather purchase grass-fed beef from a local farmer. If you are lucky enough to get in on splitting a quarter or half a beef with a group of friends, sometimes known as a "cowpool," the per-pound cost of the beef ends up being pretty similar to the grocery store price of conventional beef.

7) Don't brush me off as a total crazy, but I make my own bread and yogurt. In my area, a loaf of really tasty artisan bread can be as much as $7 and even basic sandwich bread is usually over $4 a loaf. Also, since Hubby and I both eat yogurt pretty much every day it can add up quickly. I think the most important thing to consider when making your own food items is keeping it simple or the hassle or time involved will not be worth the cost savings. I use this website's recipe to make the yogurt with organic whole milk and the method from Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day to make my bread.

8) A hint: it is usually cheapest to grocery shop on Wednesdays. That is when many stores release their weekly savings flyers and many items throughout the store will be discounted.

To save money on entertainment/dates:

1) Bust out that library card! Hubby and I go here first whenever there is a book or movie we want to watch. Even if an item has lots of holds on it, chances are they have a high number of copies and if you can stand waiting it usually comes faster then you would think. If it is a new release item and there is one in your area, Redbox and similar DVD vending machines allows you to rent DVDs for a dollar a day.

2) If you must see a movie in a theater, try a second run theater. There is one near us that shows movies for $3 after they are out of most traditional theaters.

3) Cook at home! Be creative and make it fun. Use candles, fancy plates, or eat in a different area of the house.

4) If you must go out to a restaurant, use collective-buying bargain websites like Groupon, LivingSocial, and Tippr. They seem to be popping up everywhere! A couple of caveats with these: first of all, we tend to limit our purchases to places we know we like going to anyway--you are more likely to use it if you have already been somewhere and know you like the food. If you have never been, Hubby and I like to check online review websites before we buy.

5) Keep an eye on community newspapers or websites for events like festivals, live music performances, etc. Free is a great price!

6) Be creative. Walks, trips to parks, and picnics are low-cost ways to have a good time.

To save money on gas:

1) Consider if you can practically be a one-car family. This worked for my husband and I for the first three years of our marriage. This not only saves on gas, but also on car insurance and maintenance expenses. It does not work for everyone but if you can swing it the savings are enormous.

2) If errands require you to go less than a mile away and the weather if favorable, consider walking. Not only will you save gas, but you will be getting great exercise!

3) If you must drive to do errands, look over the week and plan out your errands so that you only have to go out one time and drive in a way that avoids you criss-crossing all over town.

4) Consider biking, walking, carpooling, or busing to work. You don't have to make this an all-or-nothing endeavor. Carpooling just a few times a week makes a big difference. You can also combine methods like riding your bike in the morning and then busing home.

To save money on basic expenses:

1) Review your insurance policies annually to make sure they still fit your needs. For instance, an older car may not benefit from carrying a collision rider because the value of your car may be low.

2) Make sure you are not paying for more cell phone then you need. You may be able to scale down to a plan with less minutes, etc.

3) Hubby and I do not have cable. We watch shows on Hulu or on network websites.

To save money on baby expenses:

1) Consider cloth diapering. While it is a small initial investment you end up saving a LOT of money in the long run. This also does not have to be an all or nothing endeavor. Just adding in cloth diapers for a few disposables once in a while saves diapers and will reduce how much you spend in the long run.

2) Embrace second-hand goods, including clothing, toys, and baby gear. Always make sure the items are not recalled before using, this can be found online. I recommend buying car seats and cribs new because they are so important and when you buy these items second-hand it is hard to know what kind of use and abuse they have been put through and whether this will have negative impacts on their performance.

3) Make some of your own baby food. Contrary to what some might think, it is not very hard or time consuming to do this. There are fancy baby food making contraptions and while they are nice, they are not entirely necessary. Oftentimes you only need a fork or a whirl in the food processor or blender to do the trick. I pureed a banana today and it yielded four jar-serving equivalents. Pretty cool when a banana is only about 19 cents and jarred baby food can be almost $1.50 for conventional and close to $2.00 for organic. Freeze the food in an ice cube tray, then store the cubes in labeled Ziploc freezer bags. Again, this is not an all or nothing endeavor.

4) Trade babysitting with friends who have kids so you can go out on date nights--you watch their kids, then the next week they watch yours.

Other general advice:

1) Hubby and I try to be frugal, but we quality is very important. It is a wiser decision to pay a little more for a quality product that will last then buy cheap items that don't hold up. It is not always true that more expensive things are always better quality, but on the other hand there are situations where it is definitely the case. For instance, I feel like I am pretty average with how I handle my purses and there was a period of time where I went through about three in six months--the handle broke, zipper broke, etc. These purses were not dirt cheap either. Hubby bought me a designer handbag that is very discreet (it is not plastered with logos) and I have owned it for almost five years--despite a fair bit of abuse, it is in beautiful shape and still looks as good as new.

2) Borrow things from friends if you can, especially if it is something you only need to use a few times. Try to find things used rather then buying new.

3) Be frugal, but don't be a cheapskate. There is a difference in mindset when it comes to this. A cheapskate does not have a generous heart and values money above relationships or politeness.

4) Saving money is not a pursuit with an end goal of having a huge bank account to gloat selfishly over. It allows you to have more left over to use intentionally to meet your family's goals, such as paying off debt, investing for your future, or having more available to give away.

Photo credit: http://blog.barterquest.com/category/save-money-barter/page/4/

The beauty of a budget

I don't know about you, but all the news coverage about how horrible the economy is can really get a person down. It seems like every day there is another distressing statistic in the headlines--for instance, recent stories highlight the fact that median family incomes are falling despite the fact that food and gas prices are increasing. At the same time, it costs more than ever to raise a child and ironically, if that child graduates from college, they are very likely to move back in with you due to exorbitant amounts of debt.  My heart aches for family and friends that have been struggling with unemployment, some for a prolonged season. Single moms and the "working poor" are having an even more difficult time making ends meet.Vulnerable populations are suffering as well, especially as state budget cuts slash services and assistance to many of the most needy. In my area, it seems like there are more destitute individuals on the street holding telltale battered cardboard signs then ever. My mom gave one of these individuals $2 the other day, and he cried as he told my mom about how he has two children who are going hungry and that two dollars was going to make a huge difference.

After taking a Dave Ramsey course a few years ago, Hubby and I got really serious about being better stewards of our finances. I had a gargantuan pile of student loan debt with interest rates that would have positively buried us alive if we made minimum payments. We both had good jobs, and since neither of us were big, impulsive spenders we figured that we were doing pretty well. However, when we begrudgingly tracked our expenses to set up our first budget, we found money leaking all over the place, primarily in the form of going out to eat. Armed with resolve, we devised a shoestring budget and set some lofty goals to get that debt paid off. When we found out we were pregnant with Buggy, we recommitted ourselves to our frugal ways in order to build up some buffer for when he arrived. Shortly after he was born, we sent our last loan payment off and are now debt free! Now, we are living off one income, so saving money and reducing expenses are as important as ever!

While living on a budget and walking down the path to being debt free. I have learned some major truths about money that I would like to share. The first and most important point I want to make is that money is not God. A relationship with Jesus Christ is the only thing on this earth that brings true contentment and security, as he never will fail us. It is comforting to remember that despite the bleak economic situation, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us, knows all things, and is faithful to provide for our needs. It does not mean that our path will necessarily be easy, but he will be with us every step of the way. Second of all, every single thing that we do have is a gift from God, from our families to our personal possessions to our bank accounts, and it is our responsibility to steward these gifts well. This includes giving back to Him and to others who are not as fortunate as ourselves.

A budget is not a savior--it does not guarantee that we will be financially secure or that things will go well for our families. It is, however, a tool to help live out the truths that I discussed above. When Hubby and I sit down every month to conduct our budget meeting, we remember that every dollar we have comes from the Lord, thank him for his provision for our family so far, and pray specifically for the money we need to get through the coming month. Because we have taken the time to plan, we are able to remember those in our community that need help, and there are funds available to be given. No matter what your financial situation is, I believe that giving generously to those that need help is absolutely essential. Even small amounts can make a big difference to those in need, and it is such a blessing to you as well.

Photo credit: http://www.healthywealthymommy.com/budget-budgeting-life-be-wealthy.html

A new morning...

We awoke this morning after another successful night of using the "cry-it-out" method to get our Buggy to sleep. I swore I would never, never use this method, that it was cruel, unfeeling and tantamount to baby torture by misguided parents. I have to admit I've judged others who have confessed to using it. However, having a six month old who still wakes up 4-6 times a night tends to open one's mind pretty fast. My husband and I have been walking around like zombies and at the end of the day one (or both) of us have been literally slurring our speech when we try to talk to each other.The house has been slowly disintegrating into complete shambles as I wander aimlessly past the piles of clothing and clutter that have been ominously taking over every room that I have NO energy to battle. The other day, Hubby had to wear his swim trunks to work under his pants because there was no clean underwear. The poor guy didn't even complain. We spend most of our weekends with one parent passed out in bed while the other attends to Buggy and desperately counts the minutes until said sleeping parent wakes up and takes over so the second parent can pass out in bed for a few hours. I have heard people say glibly, "You learn to live with sleep deprivation," but either hubby and I are whimps or these people are freakin' liars. This is not a sustainable pattern for our family!

A trip to the library brought me the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth, a nationally renowned baby-sleep expert. At first, I found that I had a fantastically hard time understanding what he had written--the words on the page DID NOT make sense. I think it was because I was so tired I had passed the point of processing them but I was also too exhausted to give up because I was desperate to learn the answers that resided in my very hands! At first his advice seemed like it was mostly based in stalwart opinions that came across sounding pretty harsh at times--for instance, on page 25, while discussing children who do not nap well and get less sleep overall then their peers, at the age of three he claims  "...these fatigued, fussy brats are also more likely to become fat kids."  I was like, "WHOA! Kind of insensitive. Should we really be labeling these children 'fat kids?'" 

Then, two nights ago, when Buggy awoke about 15 minutes after we had soothed him to sleep in his crib, I had a burst of resolve: "Let's try this," I told my 90% asleep Hubby. "If we keep going to him I think that will teach him he can't sleep unless we go to him." Hubby agreed, although I secretly suspect it was because his brain was 90% in dreamland and rational thought was gone at that point. Buggy cried for about 40 minutes before succumbing to sleep--I spent that time sitting on the staircase right outside of his bedroom listening for...I don't know, some obvious sound of badness that indicated I should intervene other than the screams of fury I was already listening to. Also, it felt wrong for me to be snuggly in bed while he was so unhappy, although its not like I was ever going to be able to fall asleep for the duration of the crying. So I sat on the stairs, totally cold and uncomfortable--maybe I was trying to relate to his discomfort to appease my guilt. 

To my total shock, Buggy only woke up one time, about four hours later for his feeding, and then did not wake up until we went to wake HIM up in the morning at our predetermined wake-up time. This had never happened before. I mean, had NEVER happened before. He actually, literally, woke up smiling. I'm not even kidding you. I was filled with a new hope that had been missing for a very long time. Could it be possible that we may actually start to get some sleep again? We tried the method again that night--this time, Buggy only cried for 27 minutes, and once again only woke up one time. I'm starting to believe that Dr. Weissbluth is totally that doctor we have all come across who, despite seeming cantankerous and flat out mean, knows what the heck he is talking about. 

Which brings us to this morning. While we got ready, I informed my husband that I felt like a dried out raisin that was slowly being rehydrated and plumping up from the sleep, like you would do before you used them in a recipe. Kind of a weird analogy, but it made sense to me. I slept long enough to actually have dreams, and I dreamed that I went to a bakery to buy pastries and they had looked so good in my dream that I decided, after Hubby left, that I would appease my hunger with a real-life pastry. Fresh from a morning nap with Buggy, I loaded him into our stroller and off we went in the early fall sunshine to a local grocery store with a particularly good selection of baked goods. 

So this morning, I went back to my French roots with a pear croissant and a cup of decaf coffee that was heavily sugared for breakfast, paid for by change I had scrounged up around the house. There was something so celebratory about that meal, out in the sunshine with a  happy Buggy, an awake brain and an excess of sugary goodness. 

Now, let's see what tonight holds.

Photo credit: http://cooking.allwomenstalk.com/delicious-croissant-recipes-to-try/