It is almost 2 AM and I am completely and utterly awake. Insomnia is something that is still relatively new for me--before I had Buggy, I literally never had trouble falling asleep but after several months of waking up multiple times during the night my poor system is shot and has no idea which way is up or down most of the time. After lying in bed staring up at the ceiling for over an hour I finally decided to throw in the towel and get out of bed, hoping that sleepy feelings would eventually take over if I tried to do something productive.
Part of the problem is that my mind is on overdrive. For some reason I can't seem to turn off the swirl of thoughts I have pounding against my skull. I keep thinking of different people, situations, and issues in my life, as well as pondering to-do lists and responsibilities. It occurred to me that some of the swirling might stop if I were to take a moment and list some of the things on my mind. Who knows? Perhaps by giving them a voice, they will settle down to rest and thus I will eventually be able to do the same.
Lately, I have been learning....
-That I am inherently more selfish then I would have ever thought or realized. It is very difficult to put others' needs before my own--especially when I am struggling with a bad cold, fatigue, or some other discomfort. It is easy to think, "I need to take care of myself, so these other things can wait," or even, "Poor me, why isn't anyone taking care of me?" Despite the fact that there are many people in my life that I love very dearly, my desire for comfort remains extremely strong, clawing for my attention.
-That motherhood is freaking intimidating. I feel such a heavy weight of responsibility and guilt to raise, feed, teach, discipline, and play with Buggy and the enormity of the task is such that at times I seriously doubt my capability to do it with any type of competency.
-That forgiveness is sometimes a process that is two steps forward, one step back, but that as long as the steps are taken with a heart that is begging Jesus for help that there is hope for a future free from resentment, even if you are having a hard time seeing it.
-That sometimes, even an imperfect effort is better then no effort at all, and sometimes you can surprise yourself if you are willing to take the risk of trying.
-That to live in fear is a terrible thing. I would rather that my life be guided by faith then apprehension, anxiety, worry, and all its various manifestations.
-That making and keeping friends takes hard work and perseverance.
-That sometimes, it is probably better for me to hold my tongue and pour out my thoughts and frustrations to God rather then venting them to Hubby, my mom, whichever poor friend happens to cross my path, random strangers, etc. It is easy to tell oneself at times that you are just being 'honest' but really the words can be poisonous.
-That time is a precious gift, and if not managed well it really just flies away and leaves you wondering what the heck happened.
-That it is easier to give snappy answers or avoid people who are hurting then it is to walk alongside them with patience, grace, and compassion.
-That no matter how relaxed and open I pride myself on being, deep down it makes me sick to think of anyone seeing the secret messy areas in my house, such as the mountains of clothes and piles of books that have taken over our master bedroom, or the cascade of objects that tumble out of my cupboard as soon as I open it because they have been stacked haphazardly on top of each other. Not to mention the projectiles of frozen beef that threaten to hit you in the face if you get the crazy idea of trying to open our freezer. I want things to look perfect, and I also want them to look like it was just an effortless accident.
-That without Jesus, I am truly nothing. A breath in the wind, a tiny blade of grass that is here today and gone tomorrow. And also, that without him there is no hope for change. But that in him there is life, forgiveness, strength, and help to bear my burdens.
Photo credit: http://internetcafedevotions.com/2011/03/a-priceless-gift/
